We won't sleep together?
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
