I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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