Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
