I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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