The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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