I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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