you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
