I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
