chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
