Quick, to the slutcave!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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