some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
