Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
