winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
