don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Church boner. Awkwardddd
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
