remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
