i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
