I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I looked at my own cervix.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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