theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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