did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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