wake up i wanna do it froggy style
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
