I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
