I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
