She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
