Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
