im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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