I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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