So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
