I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
