There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
