Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
