I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
