Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Randomize
