At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
