I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
