You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
