I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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