im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
