So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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