he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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