but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
