Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
