i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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