she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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