Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
