There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
