I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
my poor anus
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
