at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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