we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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