I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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