omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
